A Christmas Dilemma: And My Response

The Dilemma:
I’ve been invited to a mulled wine and carols evening at my neighbour’s house. I went to a similar do last year and discovered it was traditional to be greeted by mein host on the doorstep with a glass of warm wine gloop. Very nice if your cockles are chilled, but there’s no such thing as a free drink.
In the other hand the host holds a huge sprig of mistletoe and insists on a kiss before he hands over the booze.My neighbour is a shrill, 21 stone homosexual with a personal odour problem and no respecter of body space.
Last year I managed to avoid his attentions by thrusting my wife in front of me and claiming I had a terrible cold. This year my wife has insisted I give him a kiss.
She says I was obviously lying about the cold - I was lying but as a solicitor I like to think I have been trained not to look obvious - and that I was rude. She adores out neighbour and, I must say, he is a kind and considerate fellow. That doesn’t mean I want to illustrate the fact by allowing my self to be embraced and slobbered over by him.
I don’t consider myself homophobic, in fact I can hand on heart say that the only prejudice I have towards some gay men - my neighbour included - is that I find camp gay men a bore and wish they would stop shoving their homosexuality to the fore of every conversation and making it the punch line of tedious jokes first aired in the days of Music Hall.
My wife says for the sake of humouring our host I should just give him a peck on the cheek. She asks me what possible harm can it do, it’s just a meaningless greeting not a prelude to a night of rough sex in a public toilet.
My dilemma is that I simply don’t want to kiss him. But nor do I want to offend him. I’m simply not a kissy sort of person when it comes to members of the same sex. I prefer a good solid hand shake. And maybe a pat on the back if I know the person really well.

The Advice:

Ahh, go on, give him a kiss. It’s Christmas. Flamboyantly gay or not your neighbour has gone to a lot of effort to be your friend (I note that it’s not you that’s having a drinks party) what’s wrong with showing your appreciation with a little peck on the cheek. I wonder, would you be fearful for your sexuality if you were French? Or a professional footballer. Footballers seem to do nothing but kiss each other when they score a goal yet Manchester United don’t come onto the pitch serenaded by Judy Garland, do they? And, like your neighbour, French men not only innocently kiss each other they also don’t wear deodorant. Anyway, why do you flatter yourself that your neighbour fancies you? Maybe he’s just jolly and full of Christmas spirit and displays that with welcoming kiss. Your attitude is a strange mix of 20th century prejudices. You judge your neighbour on his weight, his gayness, his odour and the volume of his laugh. By comparison you sound stuffy, strait laced and boring.
No wonder your wife likes your neighbour so much, he embraces everything that repels you. The fact that you also admit, cooly, that you are fond of him shows there’s a chance your ice-cap might melt. Your real moral dilemma is this; do you display the fears about gay men that you claim not to hold but actually harbour deep inside? My answer is, no. Try to change them. Get to know your neighbour, you say you already like him, well prove it to yourself. Accept him for who he is, that he does things in a different way to you, that he doesn’t want to get you into bed and I guarantee one peck will be the start of a beautiful, platonic, friendship.